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I encounter this question often in women’s chat groups, online and off, either directly or subtly hidden within the sub-questions of sexual curiosity, body image conversations, and the moments of deeper sexual exploration. I could go down the rabbit hole of the word ‘normal’ and talk about projections vs realities, airbrushed images, social illusions, etc etc, but let’s put all that aside. Two published texts have tackled this topic more deeply than any before: The Hite Report. Written by Shere Hite. Published in 1974 and re-published in 2004. I am tempted to type out the entirety of the 3-page revision introduction; it is a thing of beauty. Instead, a sample paragraph: “Women have come a long way, from a time when the existence of the female orgasm was doubted and when women were effectively owned as property in marriage to landmark victories such as the 1995 United Nations Declaration on the Rights of Women, signed by 140 countries, which proclaims a woman’s autonomy over her own body. However, despite today’s shrill insistence that women have all their rights and sexuality is all over the place, there is still some way to go—as is plain from what women continue to write me.” (Hite, 11) Just sit with that for a minute. What follows is a large and extensive survey of questions with a gambit of responses boiled down into statistics to discover a median ‘normal.’ Masturbation. Orgasm. Intercourse. Clitoral stimulation. Lesbianism. Sexual slavery. The sexual revolution. Older women. These are the chapter headings under which are various topic related questions. Three pages in and you may never again wonder about ‘normal.’ The other is I Thought It Was Just Me by Brene Brown. Wait, let me give you the whole title, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough” Yes, it is available in audio book. Yes, mp3. You can download it RIGHT NOW and listen to it. We need to question the origin of this question. Who put doubts in our minds that we are not all absolutely radiant and glorious beings, each unique in her own way, no less or more resplendent? WHO?!?!? How is it 2016 and people are still sharing and BELIEVING and ARGUING articles about female ejaculation being a myth?!?!?!?!?! When questions of normality rise, pause. Investigate the situation from a medical lens: Were you born that way or did something recently appear or disappear? Is it causing pain? Is it causing someone else pain? If none of those, and maybe a few other questions I’ve forgotten but you get the point, if it doesn’t hurt you or your partner physically or emotionally, it’s probably ok and, chances are, you aren’t the only person who has asked that same question about that same thing; it’s just never spoken of. If you read those books and want someone to talk to about them or, if this has inspired deeper feelings or thoughts and you’d like a safe space to share and process, I’m available. Sexual Wellness Mentoring: guidance on the deeper journey.
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